Things NOT To Say And Do

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she was telling me that sometimes she doesn't know what to say to a friend of hers who has a child on the spectrum.  She never wants to say the wrong thing.  I thought that was great of her to be there for her friend and to be mindful of not saying the wrong things.
That got me to thinking about all the things that good intentioned people have said to us over the years.  Sometimes people think they are being helpful when they are actually be hurtful because they just do not understand Autism and other spectrum disorders.
I'm going to give a few suggestions of things NOT to say or do.

1. Do not say, "oh they'll grow out of it".  NO THEY WONT.  You don't  grow out of Autism.  You learn to deal with it and how to handle yourself as you get older.  I wish it were as simple as just growing out of it,  but it isn't.

2.  Well he'll talk when he's ready don't push him.  Uh no he wont talk when he's ready.  His brain doesn't work the way yours does and he can't make his mouth say what his brain wants him to.  It takes a lot of hard work and speech therapy.

3.  When a child is in public and going into sensory overload, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT tell the parent of that child that their kid needs a good old fashioned spanking,  or that he's spoiled and needs to get over it.  That child is not spoiled and spanking will only make it worse.  SENSORY OVERLOAD is NOT something you can just spank out of a child.  That child can NOT control themselves when over stimulated.  When the mother of that child tells you the child has Autism don't argue that the kid is spoiled and nothing is wrong him.


4.  DO NOT ever say that a child is speech delayed or has Autism because of parental neglect.  I read on a blog where someone said that because their ignorance doesn't allow them to think differently.  Speech delay and Autism has nothing to do with parental neglect.   I totally went off after reading that because we busted our butts working with our son and for someone so ignorant to say such a stupid thing just blew our minds.


5. Do NOT ask if Autism is contagious.  It's not and your child cannot catch Autism from playing with a child who is on the spectrum.  Just the sheer fact that someone would think that proves to me more and more how ignorant our society has become towards special needs children.


6. Do NOT say, "wow you would never know your child has something wrong with him".  My child DOES NOT have anything wrong with him.  He is absolutely brilliant and perfect.  That's when you look at that person and say, "wow I would have never know you were ignorant until you opened your mouth".


7. If the mother of a special needs child is talking about a problem with her child,  please do not say, "oh I know how you feel".  Unless you have a special needs child you don't know how it feels.  And if you don't have children at all then don't ever, ever say you know how it feels.
Let me give you an example of this:

Mother of special needs child:  I don't know what to do, little Johnny freaks out when we put him on the potty.  He's 4 and I fear he'll never be potty trained.

Person who doesn't know better:  Oh I know just how you feel,  when were teaching our puppy to go potty outside he would always go on the carpet by the door instead.  I totally get where you're coming from.

( I actually saw where someone had said this to someone on a message board)


8. Please don't NOT invite a child who has Autism or is on the spectrum to a birthday party or some other function because YOU don't know how they'll act at the party or if they can handle it.  Let the parents of that child make that decision but do not leave out that child.  It hurts the child and the parents.  Generally if a child goes into sensory overload at a party or some other function the parent will leave with that child.
(this happened to my son and caused hurt feelings because he does wonderful at birthday parties now that he's older)


9.   Do not talk about the child's Autism to the parent in front of that child. 


10.  If your child asks about a child on the spectrum please do not tell them that the Autistic child is, "slow" or "not right".  My child is not slow and is super smart.  There is nothing, "not right" about children on the spectrum,  they just learn in a different way than most kids.


11.  If your friend is talking about their special needs child,  you don't always have to offer advice.  Sometimes it's just good for that parent to get what they are feeling off their chest.  Tell them that you will be there any time they need to talk.  Sometimes having someone to talk to makes all the difference in the world.


12.  If your friends child is having a meltdown and the parent is trying to calm them,  please don't just sit there and stare.  Ask if there is anything you can do to help that parent. Sometimes that mother needs an extra set of hands rather it be to help with the situation or to keep an eye on a sibling while the parent is calming their child down.


13.  Do not tell the parent of an Autistic child or a child on the spectrum that they shouldn't take their child out in public if they are going to go into sensory overload or meltdown.
Sometimes we don't know what can set that child off.  We can't keep special needs kids locked inside because someone doesn't want to hear them experiencing a meltdown.  We have to teach them to function in society.  I will quickly tell you that my child can overcome his fear but you can't overcome your ignorance and stupidity.


14. If you ever have questions about Autism then do not hesitate to ask the parent of an Autistic child.  Most of us have no problems answering questions.  An answered question is one more person educated on the subject. 


15.  A lot of children on the spectrum are solitary sometimes when they are at the park or other attending other functions.  Sometimes they really won't talk or acknowledge  the other children unless it's someone they know well.  If your child tries to talk to the Autistic child and he doesn't respond,  then please do not tell your child that the other child was being rude or stuck up.  Autistic children do not always get the social ques and they can become so focused on what they are doing that they tune everything else out..